September 24, 2009

I Pity the Fool

Category: Food,Humor — Biella @ 5:14 am

I Pity the Fool, originally uploaded by the biella.

When I fly, I often do so with Continental Airlines because 1) I tend to like their international flights 2) they have many flights at convenient times to San Juan, PR where I head to around 4-6 times a year.

Like most airlines, their food is nothing to be desired but their gluten free option is about some of the worst food I have ever tasted. The chicken is cooked to death but otherwise entirely buck naked. Like there is nothing on it, they throw some rice in the container, and sometimes (and only sometimes) a packet of Mrs. Dash. The best part of the meal, is a coconut macaroon. After about five years of this meal (usually putting it to the side but sometimes forgetting my food and suffering from hunger) I decided it was high time to take action; I could no longer confront the bleak reality of nude rubbery chicken. So I wrote them letter.

I kept it brief and knew boring would not advance My Cause, so I just decided to add some rhetorical flourish and, naturally who else came to mind than the grand master of rhetorical flourish, Mr. T. After providing the basics, like describing the truly offensive nature of nude and rubbery chicken, I drove the nail deep into wood by stating : ‘I pity the fool’ that has has to survive through their gluten free meal and that naked chicken sucked more than the word “suck” could ever really convey (though I did duly note my appreciation for the gluten free option and that I generally liked their service).

After sending off the letter I forgot about it almost immediately nor did I fly with them again for many months (not because I boycotting, I just found cheaper flights). I recently flew to Puerto Rico and lo and behold have found the gluten free option has taken a drastic turn … for the better. In fact, not only was the chicken no longer naked it was… in fact, fully clothed, blackened chicken, spiced to no end. And the cherry on top was a gluten free blueberry muffin and some nice fruit. Go Continental.

I will never know if my letter touched the soul of some Continental office employee, working in some nameless faceless, practically windowless office park, one whose life of labor is a bit like that gluten free chicken that I so despised, rubbery and naked, in other words with no flavour or spice. But I will forever think that a dash of spice, that with the aid of the badassery that is Mr. T, one can lightly kick corporate ass to take action.


  1. Having applied the stick, you should probably offer a carrot; write another letter say how pleased you were on your last flight, that’ll you’ll recommend Continental to friends and family, etc.

    Anyway, I hope that you loved your plan coming together. Or something.

    Comment by Adam Watkins — September 24, 2009 @ 6:41 am

  2. another approach…

    Comment by Adam Kucharski — September 24, 2009 @ 7:54 am

  3. To quote the leader of the A-team, Hanibal Smith (aka George Pappard),”I love it when a plan comes together.” I think he would be pleased.

    Comment by Kevin Mark — September 25, 2009 @ 7:56 pm

  4. Mr T provided his image under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license?

    Comment by john — September 28, 2009 @ 5:34 pm

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